I thought this essay was grand. Nicely evocative, well-organized, with a good command of language. The author worked hard to include sensory details, which were sensitively described.
When all the pressure and worries about life are on your shoulder, there is always some place you can go to escape.
> usually you should delete "always." It can often be a sign that what you are saying is logically false.
> Try to rephrase the basic idea
When the pressures and worries of life are weighing you down, it's important to have some place you can go to escape,
Just by going to this one spot can relieve you from all the troubles and stress that is occurring.
(this sentence is better off if it is a continuation of the previous one)
one spot that can ease your mind.
For me, the beach takes away all my problems.
> End the sentence on the word that matters.
For me, that place is the seashore.
It is not just the beach, but the things that surround it soothes me.
> I can't see the difference between the concept "being at the beach" or "the beach" -vs- "the things that surround me."
Every aspect of an ocean beach soothes me.
The first warm feeling of that wet smooth soft sand beneath my feet, seeking between my toes is comforting.
> "seeking" is such an unusual word choice that I think it might be an accident.
> But if so, it was a lucky one.
> too many adjectives for "sand." Delete the one or two most boring.
The first warm feeling of that soft wet sand seeking between my toes is comforting.
As I stroll along, I take in the calm and quite atmosphere that circles me.
> quiet, not quite.
> this sentence is so poorly developed that I think you should delete it
> It's too generic to carry its own weight
I then look in front of me, I could see the red light at a far distance flashing quickly to guide the boats to shore
Far out at sea, steadfastly-flashing beacons are guiding a boat safely to the shore.
> Because this sentence has a "symbolic" or "significant" tone to it, it might be good to keep it in mind as a possible concluding sentence.
The only thing I can hear is the sound of the deep waves smacking onto the shore and then gently moving back into the deep blue sea.
> "smacking" really won't do here. You could possibly hear the sound of a small child smacking a jellyfish with his sand shovel.
> "gently moving back" is not an audio
> "deep blue sea" is trite
> tie the observation into the main idea of the essay
> Work harder to find a way to describe the sound of ocean waves
The rushing of breaking combers and the small patter of laplets mingle with the distant mew of the gulls. It calms me to hear the swish and sigh of the retreating waves.
In that moment, I stop to close my eyes, feeling the wind caress my skin as it whistle pass my ears.
> "caress my skin" is too trite
> "whistle past my ears" is excellent, because that is exactly what the wind at the beach does. But not when it's caressing your skin.
> The frolicsome wind buffets and scours my sun-stung skin, and whistles past my ears.
As I sit there, I imagine myself as a seagull endlessly wandering in the wind without a care.
> I can imagine myself lifted on air like the gulls, wandering in the wind without a care.
> Possibly "wandering" is not the best choice here. I think you should try to find a way to describe how the gulls tilt and rudder on invisible columns of air, far above earth-bound cares -- something like that.
(I can't come up with anything fresh because my mind got jammed with memories of this excellent poem:
John Gillespie Magee, Jr. - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I take in a deep breath, and inhale the fresh smell of the sea. As I exhale, I can feel the weight of stress leaving me.
> Possibly "take in a deep breath" and "inhale" are too alike for you to use them both.
> "fresh smell" isn't good enough
I fill my lungs with the vivid air, crisp with salt and twinkling with sparks of ozone. As I exhale, I can feel the weight of my worries leaving me.
In that one little moment nothing else matters.
(This is good -- just delete "to me.")
A smile then rise upon my face, as I open my eyes to see those little bright shining stars on a night where there is not a cloud in the sky.
> You just jumped from the beach to the night sky.
> Just delete this
> If this is a description of a night beach, you should stress that earlier: the phosphorescent curls of white lifting out of the black sea, the lonely whistle of the wind, the stars and distant beacons the only lights in the blackness, the moon road, etc.
All of these things are everlasting beauties that most people don’t pay any attention. When I am there I feel like I am in heaven, relaxed and secured. The start of a new life is what I can see ahead of me, leaving the past behind.
> It is not unusual to have trouble with conclusions.
> A lot of the time, it's better just to end at the natural end than it is to stagger off with a lame conclusion.
> In this case, mere luck got a good closing sentence (Far out at sea, the steadfastly-flashing beacons are guiding a boat safely to the shore.)
> But a perfectly fine end of the essay could just as well have been: In that one little moment nothing else matters.
> It would sound perfectly fine to end it there.
> If you need a hgher word count, you could talk about the sights -- "the creamy foam, the sun-spangled water" or the way the sun is an equal master of the environment (along with the water) -- the sun bakes your cares away, etc.
> But you would put this "additional sensory detail" in front of the concluding sentence (In that one little moment nothing else matters. -or- Far out at sea, steadfastly-flashing beacons are guiding a boat safely to the shore.), not after it.
DESCRIBING THE SEASIDE
If you are having trouble describing the seaside, this is the post to read. It comes in five levels, from Basic English to Complex English. I am uploading Levels 1, 3 and 5.
The biggest mistake writers make is to describe the sea from the narrator out. What I mean by this is that most people try to describe a scene from what their eyes or imagination focus in on first. That is usually the beach, the waves and what is on the sea.
It’s only a suggestion but I find it easier to describe the sea/sky from its furthest point out first. In this case, that would be the dome of sky, what is in the sky (clouds, birds etc.) and the horizon. Then I gradually bring the detail closer and closer until I can describe what emotions I am feeling inside (joy, contentment etc.).
Think of it as an artist thinks of a painting. An artist will fill in the background first before attempting the smaller details. Point of View (POV) is very important for a writer. Give the broad sweep before attempting the difficult task of filling in the micro elements of a scene. Then you are looking at the world with an ‘artist’s eye’ and you will be a successful descriptive writer.
If you want more advice on this, check out my new book and workbook by clicking the link here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss/280-6899154-7038727?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=descriptive+writing.
Following this formula will ensure a well written paragraph or essay. Once this is mastered you can vary the narrative style any way you wish. Remember not to neglect the ‘other’ three senses of taste, smell and sensation also. Sound and colour will only get you so far in an exercise like this.
Colour of the sea: The sea was jewel-blue.
The sky: The sky was like a curtain of silk.
In the sky: Tufty clouds of wizard-white drifted past.
The horizon: The horizon was a line of nickel-silver.
Sea sounds: The sea song of the waves soothed me.
Metaphors: The heap of sea swelled silently.
Motion: The waves were rippling gently.
On the sea: Clumps of seaweed got washed up on the beach.
The beach: The beach was shaped like a shepherd’s hook of gold.
Waves: Rollers of gem-blue dashed the sand.
Salt smell: The air was pregnant with the smell of salt.
Taste: We ate some yummy hot dogs.
Sensations: It was a heart-warming experience.
The sea was like a rippling blanket of brochure-blue. Squabbling seagulls flew overhead, harassing the beachgoers in their endless hunger. Gannets were dive-bombing the stretched surface of the sea far out from shore. The horizon was edged with a silver tint and a cormorant was flying into that place where sun and water meet. His wings were a blur of motion and he soon faded from sight.
The opera of the sea washed over me and the wave-music was welcome. It was soothing and I was glad to get away from the hurly-burly and stresses of life. Davy Jones’s locker had swallowed up many a man over the centuries, but the beach I walked on was an enchanting paradise. It was half-moon shaped and there were no heaving waves to be seen, merely wave-grooves in the sand. I shaded my eyes from the glowing daystar and looked out to sea again. I could see dolphins flipping into the air like crackling popcorn. Their bodies flashed in steel-grey and I could almost touch their glee. It was a skin-tingling experience to witness their sea-dance.
The briny air carried a different smell also-spicy chicken. My stomach rumbled when I heard it sizzling on the barbecue. I bought a few wings and it was like tasting Greek fire with all the spices and sauces on it. I swore I would come back to this spellbinding place again someday. I looked behind for the last time and already my footprints were fading as if I had never been………….
Is there anything quite as blissful as an amble by the seashore? It’s like walking through an airy womb of sky and sound. The sea is a cerulean-blue gown and the beach seems dipped in earthshine-gold.
The mermaid’s call of the waves reaches out to you and you have to resist its siren call to enter the copper-bottomed depths. Titan’s fiery wheel seems to be buckled to the immensity of sky and the panorama of sights can overwhelm the other senses. When you cast your eyes out to sea, you observe that the horizon is hemmed in sardine-silver. The waves in the distance are like white creases on a vast bale of velvet and the lolling of the yachts is both rhythmic and mesmerising.
The pulsing heart of the sea causes a gentle swell and the waves cascading onto the shore have that ancient alchemy of purr-and-pound. When they uncoil, it is like an old, vellum parchment is unrolling in front of your eyes. If you could read the script, it would probably say just two words a hundred, hundred thousand times; never leave. Your eyes are drawn to the dot in the sky getting nearer. It is a gannet, plump from poaching fish from the larder of the sea. He is coming into frame and as he passes overhead, he leaves out a call that echoes the alien emptiness of this place. This is Poseidon’s realm, he seems to say, and you should not be here.
You look around and you admire the feng shui perfection of the beach. The palm trees are lined in serried rows and dip their heads in obedience to the sea. They have an Eden-green beauty that cannot be rivalled were you to travel to the far side of the world. Underneath them, a springy undergrowth of lush-green seems to beckon you in to the rainforest. You will let its sleeping soul rest today, however. You are here to savour the sea’s indefinable beauty and let its vastness seep into your mind. With luck, you will carry fragments of it home as memory.
The yachts lolling in the distance rock cradle-like and again you get the feeling that the sea wants to lull you. You know that the same picture-perfect scene you are devouring with your eyes has been a salty coffin for many an unwary mariner. The fool-strewn sea floor is not to be underestimated, however sensuous it may seem above the surface. The glassy air carries a faintly delicious perfume with it also. It is as if a vial is being slowly uncorked, revealing a galaxy of otherworldly scents. Your nostrils are tantalised by its richness. It is neither the pelagic smell of the salty waves nor the earthy cologne of the vegetation that you smell. It is much more immediate, much more familiar that that.
Suddenly, you have a light bulb moment. You are disappointed at first. You realise your cyan-blue paradise hosts other guests today. You are not alone. Then a mist of food scents drift towards you and you are glad. The illegally-good carnival of toothsome aromas makes your stomach sound like bottled thunder. You can detect flame-grilled tuna, exotic peppers and zingy onions. You realise you are famished and guide your nose towards the barbecue. Soon, you can hear people laughing. You take one last look at this utopia and absorb the jaw-dropping scenery with your eyes. Then you turn on your heel and make your way to where the cannibals are waiting for you………………
Check out my new book and workbook by clicking the title here http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss/280-6899154-7038727?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=descriptive+writing.